Photo by Derek Opdyke
Grommunist Slamifesto (Ask Your Parents)
The Harbor Hellcats were kind enough to play before and after Saturday night’s main event, which everyone knows was the titanic clash of the Bumper Scars and the Sugar Skulls, the two halves of Santa Cruz’s Derby Groms whose rivalry, um, rivals the Hatfields and McCoys, the Capulets and Montagues, and Jacob and Edward (or so I’m told). And sure, they say that there’s no hitting in Groms, but anyone who’s been down in the trenches knows that the violence is implied, the tension is unbearable, and the danger lurks in every slippery floorboard, and in the heart of every feral grom.
The theory that these girls were raised by roller-skating wolves was not the slightest bit disproved by either their ferocious play or by their “human parents.” The lead was tossed back and forth like a piece of the raw meat that must surely be the only item on the groms’ training table. But then, disaster struck in Jam 7. G Thang came up injured and had to be carried off into the locker room. Reports have it that she suffered a broken ankle, but the heart and grit she demonstrated on the track will surely serve her well off of it as she recuperates, salivating for the chance to get back on the track and show everyone what she’s made of.
When the action resumed, there was no letting up from these young lionesses, and the struggle was captured just in a glance at the drum-tight scores: 28-28, 33-32, 37-36. Then came the big break everyone had been waiting for, as Slambi rocketed the Bumper Scars to a 47-36 advantage in Jam 10, and lightning-fast Roadkill Ruby took the entire team on her back, saying, “I’m raising our point total to 59, ladies,” and then did precisely that. These two dynamos would be a tough act for any Bumper Scar jammer to follow, and this unenviable task fell to Gwen StepOnYa, the world’s tiniest roller derby hero and, perhaps not coincidentally, wearer of the night’s most stellar socks. Even with all the pressure, Ms. StepOnYa responded like a champion, extending her team’s lead to 67-40.
Despite this furious assault, the likes of which had not been seen in this country since the firing upon Fort Sumter, the Skulls showed plenty of firepower of their own. Betty BiteMe, Lainie N. Sainie, and Naomi Vice were just a few of the team’s solid scorers. Jackie Skellington looked on pace to qualify for the 2016 speed skating team, and Kenny the Shark showed Mozart-like precocity, except with musical abilities swapped out for the gift of pumping up the crowd with a customized shark-chomping gesture. Alas, the Bumper Scars proved too much for them, prevailing 74-48. By the time the Hellcats came out to provide a soothing, post-grom comedown, the bad blood between the Scars and Skulls had dissipated, at least until next time. When these two colossi collide once more, who will be the new stars? Slams’n Delilah? Speedster? Vicious Viking? Chipmunk Punk? Fine candidates one and all, but it’ll take 20 minutes of hard work on the hardwood to turn these names into legends
Write-up by Brian James
Santa Cruz Derby Girls - THE Rollergirls of Santa Cruz
